DEAR MAN: DBT Scripts and Worked Examples for Asking and Saying No

DEAR MAN is the core interpersonal effectiveness skill in dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), developed by Marsha Linehan (Linehan, 1993; 2015, DBT Skills Training Manual). It is a structured script for making a request or saying no while maximizing the chance of getting the objective met. DBT distinguishes three kinds of effectiveness in any interaction: objectives effectiveness (getting what you want), relationship effectiveness (maintaining the relationship), and self-respect effectiveness (maintaining your own values). DEAR MAN targets the first; the companion skills GIVE and FAST target the second and third.

The acronym splits into two halves. DEAR (Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce) is what you say. MAN (stay Mindful, Appear confident, Negotiate) is how you say it and how you hold your position once the conversation is moving. The skill works because it removes the two most common failure modes in difficult requests: burying the ask inside emotion and judgment, and abandoning the ask the moment resistance appears.

Describe: State the facts of the situation without judgment or interpretation. Only what a camera would record. This anchors the conversation in something the other person can agree happened.

Express: State your feelings and opinions about the situation using I statements. Do not assume the other person knows how you feel; say it plainly: I feel overwhelmed. I am worried about the deadline.

Assert: Make the request or say no, explicitly and in one sentence. This is the component people most often skip, hinting instead of asking. Others cannot read your mind; ask for what you want directly.

Reinforce: Tell the person what they gain by granting the request, or the natural consequences of not granting it. People are more likely to say yes when the benefit to them is visible: If I can move the deadline, the final report will be accurate instead of rushed.

Stay Mindful: Keep your attention on the objective. If the other person attacks, changes the subject, or raises old grievances, return to the ask like a broken record, calmly repeating the request as many times as needed.

Appear confident: Use a steady voice, eye contact, and upright posture, regardless of how anxious you feel. Whispering, apologizing repeatedly, and hedging language all invite refusal.

Negotiate: Be willing to give to get. Offer alternatives, reduce the size of the request, or turn the problem over to the other person: What do you think we should do here? Negotiating is not capitulating; the objective stays alive in a modified form.

Describe: I have been in this role for two years. In the last year I took over the Henderson account and trained the two new hires.

Express: I feel that my responsibilities have grown well beyond the original scope of the job, and it is important to me that my pay reflects that.

Assert: I am asking for a salary adjustment to 68,000.

Reinforce: With my workload matched to my pay, you keep an experienced person on the team instead of absorbing the cost of recruiting and retraining a replacement.

Stay Mindful, in response to deflection (budgets are tight this quarter): I understand the timing is hard. I am still asking for the adjustment, and I am open to discussing when in the next two quarters it could take effect.

Negotiate, if the answer is a flat no: If the number is not possible right now, what would need to be true in the next six months for it to be? Could we put a review date on the calendar today?

Situation: a parent calls multiple times a day and becomes upset when calls are not returned within the hour.

Describe: You called four times yesterday while I was at work, and when I called back after dinner you said I clearly do not care about you.

Express: I love you and I want our calls to be something I look forward to, not something I feel behind on. When I am expected to answer immediately, I feel anxious every time the phone rings.

Assert: I am going to call you twice a week, on Tuesday and Sunday evenings. Outside of those calls, I will get back to you within a day, and immediately if it is an emergency.

Reinforce: When I am not bracing for conflict about missed calls, I am more present with you, and the time we do talk will be better for both of us.

Stay Mindful, when guilt appears (after everything I have done for you): I hear that you are hurt. I am still going to keep to Tuesday and Sunday calls. I am saying this because I want this relationship to work, not because I am leaving it.

Note the structure: the boundary is stated as what the speaker will do (I will call twice a week), not as a demand that the other person change. Boundaries built on your own behavior are enforceable; boundaries built on controlling the other person are not.

Situation: a roommate asks to borrow money for the third time; the previous two loans were never repaid.

Describe: You have asked to borrow 200 dollars. I lent you money in March and again in May, and neither has been paid back yet.

Express: I feel uncomfortable lending more while the earlier loans are open, and I notice it is starting to affect how I feel around you, which I do not want.

Assert: So the answer is no, I will not lend more money right now.

Reinforce: Keeping money out of our relationship is what will keep living together easy. I would rather be a good roommate than an awkward creditor.

Stay Mindful, under pressure (I will absolutely pay you back this time, I promise): I believe that you mean it, and the answer is still no.

Negotiate, optionally: I am not able to lend money, but if it would help, I can sit down with you and look at what bills are due this week.

DBT teaches that the intensity of asking or refusing should be deliberately calibrated, not automatic. Linehan's skills training materials describe a set of factors to weigh: capability (can the person actually give what you are asking?), priorities (how important is the objective versus the relationship?), self-respect, rights, authority, timeliness, homework (have you done your part?), and reciprocity (Linehan, 2015).

Low-intensity asking sounds like an open question with easy acceptance of no. Maximum intensity sounds like a firm, repeated request paired with stated consequences. Most interpersonal failures come from running one default intensity in every situation: chronically under-asking (hinting, then resenting) or chronically over-asking (demanding, then repairing). The skill is choosing the level on purpose.

Skipping Assert. The most frequent error. The speaker describes and expresses at length, assumes the request is obvious, and leaves without having asked. The listener experiences a complaint, not a request. If you cannot quote your own ask in one sentence, you have not asserted.

Stacking grievances. Bringing every past incident into the current request converts a solvable ask into a referendum on the relationship. DEAR MAN is built around one objective per conversation; the Describe step should reference only the facts relevant to that objective.

Apologizing for existing. Excessive apology (I am so sorry to even bring this up) undermines both objectives effectiveness and self-respect effectiveness. One matter-of-fact acknowledgment of timing is plenty; the request itself needs no apology.

Mind reading instead of expressing. Saying you obviously do not respect my time is an accusation that invites defense. The Express step states your own internal experience, which cannot be argued with: I felt dismissed when the meeting started without me.

Treating Negotiate as surrender. Dropping the request entirely at the first sign of friction is not negotiating; it is abandoning the objective. Negotiation modifies the request while keeping it alive: smaller amount, later date, different form, or turning the problem back to the other person to solve jointly.

Skillful asking raises the probability of a good outcome; it does not guarantee one. Some environments cannot give what is being asked, and some people will not, no matter how well the request is framed. DBT is explicit on this point: the skill controls your side of the interaction, not the result (Linehan, 2015). When a well-executed DEAR MAN fails repeatedly with the same person, the clinical question shifts from how to ask to radical acceptance, problem solving, or changing the situation itself.

DEAR MAN also assumes a baseline of safety. In relationships involving abuse, intimidation, or retaliation, direct assertion can escalate risk, and safety planning takes precedence over communication skills. Clinicians teaching this skill should screen for that context before assigning it as homework.