Check the Facts: Testing Whether an Emotion Fits the Situation

The Six Questions

1. What emotion do I want to change? Name it and rate its intensity from 0 to 100. Without a number, there is no way to know afterward whether the skill worked.
2. What is the prompting event? Describe what actually happened in observable terms, as a camera would record it, and challenge any judgment, absolute, or black-and-white word that crept in. 'She looked at her phone while I was talking' is a fact. 'She ignored me' and 'she always does this' are interpretations.Example: Fact: he replied 'ok' to a long message. Interpretation: he is furious with me.
3. What are my interpretations, thoughts, and assumptions? List every meaning the mind attached. Then list at least two other interpretations that also fit the facts. The point is to loosen the grip of the first one, which is rarely the only one possible.Example: He is angry. Or: he is driving. Or: he is a one-word texter and always has been.
4. Am I assuming a threat? Name the threat the emotion is responding to and rate the real probability that it happens. Anxiety assumes catastrophe; anger assumes attack; shame assumes rejection. Most assumed threats, written down, are less likely than they felt.
5. What is the catastrophe? If the threat did happen, what is the worst realistic outcome? Then imagine it actually occurring and imagine coping well with it, through problem solving, coping ahead (see Cope Ahead), or radical acceptance (see Radical Acceptance). Imagining the coping, in detail, is the part people skip, and it is the part that lowers the intensity.
6. Does the emotion and its intensity fit the facts? Given the answers above, ask Wise Mind (see Finding Your Wise Mind) and decide. The emotion may fit and the intensity may not; a 40 of irritation fits a forgotten errand, a 90 of rage does not. If the emotion or its intensity does not fit, move to Opposite Action. If it fits, the emotion is telling you something true, and problem solving is the next step.

When an Emotion Fits the Facts

• Fear There is a threat to your life, health, or well-being, or to someone you care about.
• Anger An important goal is blocked or a wanted activity is stopped; you or someone you care about is attacked, hurt, insulted, or threatened; the standing of your group is attacked.
• Sadness You have lost something or someone for good, or things are not the way you wanted, expected, and hoped they would be.
• Shame You will be rejected by a person or group you care about if something about you is known.
• Guilt Your own behavior violates your own values or moral code.
• Jealousy A relationship or thing you value is in real danger of being damaged or taken. Envy, by contrast, fits when someone else has what you need and do not have.
• Disgust Something you are in contact with could contaminate or poison you, or the behavior of a person or group could seriously harm you or people you care about.

Common Places It Goes Wrong

• Arguing with the emotion Check the Facts is not a debate about whether you should feel this way. The emotion is already here. The question is whether it matches the situation, so that the response can be chosen.
• Checking only the facts that confirm If the emotion has been present for years, the mind has years of practice finding the confirming facts. Deliberately hunting for the disconfirming ones is the work.
• Skipping the intensity question Many clients find the emotion is justified and stop there, missing that the intensity is the problem. A justified emotion at three times the fitting intensity still needs regulation.

When to Get Help Now

• If you are in crisis or thinking about harming yourself, call or text 988 (Suicide and Crisis Lifeline) or go to the nearest emergency department.
• If the facts include ongoing abuse, danger, or a medical emergency, the emotion is doing its job. Act on it and get help; see Is This Abuse? A Plain-Language Checklist if the situation is unclear.