GIVE and FAST: Keeping the Relationship and Keeping Your Self-Respect
The two DBT interpersonal effectiveness skills that sit beside DEAR MAN
GIVE and FAST: Keeping the Relationship and Keeping Your Self-Respect
The two DBT interpersonal effectiveness skills that sit beside DEAR MAN
GIVE and FAST: Keeping the Relationship and Keeping Your Self-Respect
The two DBT interpersonal effectiveness skills that sit beside DEAR MAN
DBT teaches three interpersonal goals, and each has its own skill. DEAR MAN is for getting what you want. GIVE is for keeping the relationship while you ask. FAST is for keeping your self-respect afterward (Linehan, 2015). Most clients arrive strong on one and weak on the others: the person who gets their way and loses the friend, or the person who keeps every relationship and abandons every need. Before using any of the three, it helps to rank the goals for the situation in front of you. Sometimes the relationship matters more than the outcome; sometimes self-respect has to come first even if the relationship suffers. This sheet covers GIVE and FAST, with examples, and the Communication Styles sheet is the introduction if the terms are new.
GIVE: Keeping the Relationship
- Gentle No attacks, threats, judgments, or sneering. Gentle is a tone and a posture, and it includes the face. A request delivered through gritted teeth is not gentle, whatever the words.Example: Instead of 'You always do this,' try 'This is the second time this month, and I want to sort it out.'
- Interested Listen to the other person's response. Look at them, do not interrupt, and do not plan your reply while they talk. If you cannot listen now, say so and set a time.Example: 'Tell me how you saw it,' followed by actually waiting.
- Validate Acknowledge the other person's feelings, wants, and difficulties as understandable, out loud, whether or not you agree with their position. Validation is not agreement. It is the sentence that lowers the temperature enough for the rest of the conversation to happen.Example: 'I get that you were slammed at work and this felt like one more thing.'
- Easy manner Use a little humor, smile, and keep it light where the situation allows. Easy manner is the difference between a negotiation and an interrogation.
FAST: Keeping Your Self-Respect
- Fair Fair to yourself and to the other person. Validate your own feelings and wishes as well as theirs. Do not give away everything to end the discomfort, and do not take everything because you can.
- Apologies (no unnecessary ones) Apologize when you have done something wrong. Do not apologize for having a request, for taking up time, for having an opinion, for disagreeing, or for existing. The apology also lives in the body: no looking ashamed, eyes down, head down, shoulders slumped. Over-apologizing signals that the need is not legitimate, and people respond accordingly.Example: Drop 'Sorry to bother you, but' and start with the request.
- Stick to values Do not sell out what matters to you to win approval or avoid conflict. If the request conflicts with a value, the answer is no, delivered with GIVE.
- Truthful No lies, no exaggeration, no acting helpless to get help, no excuses. A pattern of small dishonesties to smooth interactions erodes self-respect faster than almost anything else.
Putting the Three Together
- Rank the goals first Ask: how important is getting what I want, how important is this relationship, and how important is my self-respect in this situation? The ranking decides which skill leads.
- Decide how firm to be Asking and refusing both run on a dial from very low intensity (do not ask, or do what is asked cheerfully) to very high (ask and do not take no, or refuse and negotiate). Where to set it depends on the other person's capability, your priorities, your self-respect, the rights involved, who has authority, the relationship, long-term goals, how much give and take there has been, whether you have prepared, and the timing. Most clients set the dial by habit; setting it on purpose is the skill.
- Use DEAR MAN for the content, GIVE for the delivery, FAST as the guardrail They are not alternatives. A complete request uses all three, with the emphasis set by the ranking. The DEAR MAN scripts guide has worked examples that show all three in one script.
- Practice on low-stakes requests Ordering food, returning an item, asking a colleague to move a meeting. The skill is easier to learn where the outcome barely matters.
References
- Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT skills training manual (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
Related DBT Worksheets
View all DBT →IMPROVE the Moment: Coping When You Cannot Fix the Problem
Seven Skills for Making Unbearable Moments More Bearable
DBTMapping the Behavioral Sequence
A DBT Tool for Understanding Problem Behaviors
DBTMindfulness in Practice: What and How Skills
The Core Mindfulness Components of Dialectical Behavior Therapy
See also
Clinical guides that use this worksheet
Common Questions
What is the GIVE and FAST: Keeping the Relationship and Keeping Your Self-Respect worksheet?
DBT teaches three interpersonal goals, and each has its own skill. DEAR MAN is for getting what you want. GIVE is for keeping the relationship while you ask. FAST is for keeping your self-respect afterward (Linehan, 2015).
How do I use the GIVE and FAST: Keeping the Relationship and Keeping Your Self-Respect worksheet?
Read through this resource to learn key concepts. Share with your therapist or use as a study reference. You can print this sheet or bookmark it for quick access later.
Is the GIVE and FAST: Keeping the Relationship and Keeping Your Self-Respect worksheet free?
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