Giving Effective Commands and Using Time-Out

What an Effective Command Looks Like

• Give it as a statement, not a question. 'Please put your shoes on now' works. 'Can you put your shoes on?' invites 'no.'
• Avoid 'let's' unless you mean it. 'Let's clean up' tells your child you will be doing it together. If you mean for them to do it, say so directly.
• One instruction at a time. A single, specific action, not a chain of five.
• Get close first. Move within a few feet, get down to their level, and get their eyes or their attention before you speak.
• Say it once, calmly and firmly. A flat, matter-of-fact voice carries more authority than a loud or pleading one.
• Make it specific. 'Put your dishes in the sink' beats 'clean up,' which a child can read a dozen different ways.

The Step-by-Step Sequence

1. Give the command as a clear statement. Get close, get eye contact, and give one instruction in a calm, firm voice. Do not phrase it as a question and do not say 'let's.' For example: 'Put your blocks in the bin now.'
2. Wait for compliance. Give it about ten seconds, in silence. Count it in your head. Do not repeat yourself, nag, bargain, or argue during the wait. Give your child room to comply on their own.
3. If nothing has happened, repeat the command once and wait for compliance again. When it fits the moment, make the repeat a warning that names what comes next: 'If you don't put your blocks in the bin, you are going to time-out.' Younger children, children with developmental delays or ADHD, and children who are brand new to this routine may need an extra repeat or two at first. The goal over time is to shrink the repeats down to none, so the first calm instruction is the one that counts, and time-out is what gets you there.
4. If there is still no compliance, go to time-out. Use one minute per year of age, so four minutes for a four-year-old and seven minutes for a seven-year-old.
5. The timer runs only while your child stays in the time-out spot. If they leave it, stop the timer and start it again from where it paused once they return. Hold this calmly, without lecturing or re-arguing. The message is simple: the clock moves when you stay.
6. Ask one simple question: 'Do you know why you were in time-out?' If your child can name the behavior or the instruction they refused ('I did not put my blocks away'), great. If they do not know, explain it to them plainly and have them say it back. You can do this just before or just after the time-out.
7. After time-out, go back to the original command and run the sequence again from the top. Time-out is not a way out of the task. Your child still puts the blocks in the bin.

Common Mistakes

• Repeating the command past the single planned repeat. Every extra repetition teaches your child that the first several did not count.
• Letting your voice climb. Escalating volume or emotion hands your child control and turns an instruction into a fight.
• Turning it into a debate. You do not owe a negotiation during the ten-second wait. State it once, then wait.
• Letting time-out end the demand. If the task disappears after time-out, your child learns that refusing long enough makes it go away. Always return to the original command.
• Stacking commands. Firing off several instructions at once guarantees that some get lost. One at a time.

References

• Barkley, R. A. (2013). Defiant Children: A Clinician's Manual for Assessment and Parent Training (3rd ed.). Guilford Press.
• McMahon, R. J., & Forehand, R. L. (2003). Helping the Noncompliant Child: Family-Based Treatment for Oppositional Behavior (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
• McNeil, C. B., & Hembree-Kigin, T. L. (2010). Parent-Child Interaction Therapy (2nd ed.). Springer.